"READINGS FROM THE RADIO"
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Our Childhood in Black and White.
(Under age 40? You won't understand.)
You could hardly see for all the snow,
Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go.
Pull a chair up to the TV set,
'Good Night, David. Good Night, Chet.'
My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread
mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't
seem to get food poisoning.
My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter
AND I used to eat it raw sometimes, too. Our school sandwiches were wrapped in
wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in ice-pack coolers, but I can't
remember getting e.coli.
Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming
in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures
then.
The term cell phone would have conjured up a
phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.
We all took gym, not PE . and risked permanent
injury with a pair of high top Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of having
cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light
reflectors. I can't recall any injuries, but they must have happened because
they tell us how much safer we are now.
Flunking gym was not an option, even for stupid
kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym.
Speaking of school, we all said prayers and sang
the national anthem, and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of
negative attention.
We must have had horribly damaged psyches. What
an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat
and everything.
I thought that I was supposed to accomplish
something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.
I just can't recall how bored we were without
computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable
stations.
Oh yeah ... and where was the Benadryl and
sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!
We played 'king of the hill' on piles of gravel
left on vacant construction sites, and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the
48-cent bottle of Mercurochrome (kids liked it better because it didn't sting
like iodine did) and then we got our butt spanked.
Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed
by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics, and then Mom calls the attorney
to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was
such a threat.
We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either
because if we did, we got our butt spanked there and then we got butt spanked
again when we got home.
I recall Donny Reynolds from next door coming
over and doing his tricks on the front step, just before he fell off. Little did
his Mom know that she could have owned our house. Instead, she picked him up and
swatted him for being such a goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck.
To top it off, not a single person I knew had
ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly
have known that?
We needed to get into group therapy and anger
management classes? We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills that we
didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac! How did we
ever survive?
LOVE TO ALL OF US WHO SHARED THIS ERA, AND TO ALL WHO DIDN'T; SORRY FOR WHAT YOU
MISSED. I WOULDN'T TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING.
London Times Obituary of the late Mr. Common Sense
(aired January 9, 2008)
'Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who
has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was,
since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the
worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend
more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children,
are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens
suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher
fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the
job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly
children. It declined even further
when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer sun lotion or a bandage to a student; but could not inform
parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common
Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became
contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better
treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you
couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the
burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in
her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust;
his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son,
Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want
It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and
do nothing.'
2 cups
of coffee
Remember when..
Close your eyes.....And go back in time....
Before the Internet or the MAC, Before semi automatics.
Before SEGA or Super Nintendo...
Way back.....
Hide and seek at dusk. The
Good Humor man,
Red light, green light. The corner store.
Hopscotch, butterscotch, double Dutch, jacks, kickball, dodge ball. Mother
May I?
Red Rover and Roly Poly.
Hula Hoops.
Running through the sprinkler.
The smell of the sun and licking salty lips.
Wax lips and mustaches.
An ice cream cone on a warm summer night, Chocolate or vanilla or strawberry
or maybe butter pecan.
A cherry coke from the fountain at the corner drug store.
Remember when...
Watching Saturday Morning cartoons... short commercials
Fat Albert, Road Runner, He-Man,
The Three Stooges, and Bugs,
Or staying up for Gunsmoke
Or back further,
Listening to Superman on the radio. When around the
corner seemed far away, and going downtown seemed like going somewhere. A
million mosquito bites. Sticky fingers. Cops and Robbers, Cowboys and Indians,
Zorro. Climbing trees, Building igloos out of snow banks.
Walking to school, no matter what the weather.
Running till you were out of breath .
Laughing so hard that your stomach hurt.
Jumping on the bed. Pillow fights.
Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.
Being tired from playing.... Remember that?
The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
War
was a card game. Remember when.. Older siblings were the worst
tormentors, but also the fiercest protectors. An audio version, as read by Jerry Carr, is available
Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.
Eating Kool-aid powder.
Remember when...
There were two types of sneakers for girls and boys (Keds & PF Flyers)and
the only time you wore them at school, was for "gym."
It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.
When nobody owned a purebred dog.
When a quarter was a decent allowance, and another quarter a miracle.
When milk went up one cent and everyone talked about it for weeks? When you'd
reach into a muddy gutter for a penny.
When you got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without
asking, for free, every time. And, you didn't pay for air. And, you got trading
stamps to boot!
When laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the
box. When nearly everyone's mom was at home when the kids got there. When it
took five minutes for the TV to warm up, if you even had one. When your Mom
wore nylons that came in two pieces.
It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb.
When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real
restaurant with your parents.
When girls neither dated nor kissed until late high school, if then.
When all of your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their
hair done.
When they threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed ..and did! When
being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that
awaited a misbehaving student at home. Basically, we were in fear for our
lives but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our
parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! and some of us are still
afraid of them!!! Didn't that feel good.. just to go back and say,
Yeah, I remember that!
Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo." Mistakes were
corrected by simply exclaiming, "do over!" "Race issue"
meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
Remember when...
Money issues were handled by whoever was the
banker in "Monopoly." The worst thing you could catch from the
opposite sex was cooties. It was unbelievable that dodgeball wasn't an Olympic
event. Having a weapon in school, meant being caught with a slingshot.
Nobody was prettier than
Mom.
Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better. Taking drugs meant
orange-flavored chewable aspirin. Ice cream was considered a basic food group.
Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true. Abilities were discovered
because of a "double-dare."
If you can remember most or all of these, then you have LIVED!!!!
Pass this on to anyone who may need to remember when...
I DOUBLE DARE YA!!!
. You'll need an audio player, such as Windows Media Player, to listen -
and the download can be lengthy, depending on your type of internet connection.
Story of Petey, the Snake
This is the story about a poor little snake named "Petey."
Petey was a snake only so big. Petey lived in a pit with his mother. One day Petey was hissing in the pit when his mother said: 'Petey, don't hiss in the pit, go outside the pit to hiss." So Petey went outside of the pit to hiss.
Petey was hissing all around when he finally leaned over and hissed in the pit. Petey's mother heard Petey hissing in the pit and said: "Petey, if you must hiss in a pit, go over to Mrs. Pott's pit to hiss in her pit. Petey went over to Mrs. Pott's
pit to hiss in her pit, but Mrs. Pott was not at home, so he hissed in her pit anyway. While Petey was hissing in Mrs. Pott's pit, Mrs. Pott came home and found Petey hissing in her pit. She said: "Petey, if you must hiss in a pit, don't hiss in my pit; go to your own pit and hiss."
This made Petey very sad, and he cried all the way home. When Petey got home, his mother saw him crying, and said: "Petey, what's the matter?" Petey said: "I went over to Mrs. Pott's to hiss in her pit, but Mrs. Pott was not at home, so I hissed in her pit anyway, Mrs. Pott came home and found me hissing in her pit and said: 'Petey, if you must hiss in a pit, go to your own pit and hiss. Don't hiss in my pit.'"
This made Petey's mother very angry, and she said: "Why that mean old lady. I knew Mrs. Pott when she didn't have a pit to hiss in."
THE ULTIMATE URBAN LEGEND
I was on my way to the post office to pick up my case of free M&M’s (sent to me because I forwarded an e-mail to five other people), when I ran into a friend whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Friend Chicken (which is predictable, since as everyone knows there’s no actual chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken, which is why the government made them change their name to KFC). Anyway, one day this guy went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over and when he got out of the tub he realized his kidney had been stolen. He saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 9-1-1!" But he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail titled "Join The Crew!" He knew it wasn’t a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $250 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe. The poor man then tried to call 9-1-1 from his free Ericsson T-18 WA phone that he got by forwarding an e-mail to 20 others, but alas the mobile company had not activated his account. He then tried from a pay phone to report his missing kidney, but a voice on the line first asked him to press #90, which unwittingly gave the bandit full access to the phone line at the guy’s expense. Then, reaching into the coin return sot, he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said "Welcome to the world of AIDS." Luckily, he was only a few blocks from the hospital – the one where that little boy who is dying from cancer is the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of X’s and O’s in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to more than ten people, you’ll have good luck.) So anyway, the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation.
Send this to all the friends who send your junk mail and you will receive four greem M&M’s. If you don’t, the owner of Proctor & Gamble will report you to his Satanist friends and you will have more bad luck: you will get sick from the Sodium Lauroyl Sulfate in your shampoo, your spouse/mate will develop a skin rash from using the antiperspirant which clogs the pores under your arms, and the U.S. government will put a tax on your e-mails forever!
HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL
Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close moth and swallow.
Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding near paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
Retrieve cat from curtail rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep scattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans. Drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck leaving head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
Fetch screwdrivers from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot and drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
Call fire department to retrieve cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about out. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
Arrange for ASPCA to collect cat and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL
Wrap in bacon.
Toss it in the air.
DUST IF YOU MUST
"A house becomes a home when you can write 'I love you' on the furniture."
I can't tell you how many countless hours I have spent CLEANING! I used to spend at least eight hours every weekend making sure things were just perfect - "in case someone came over." Then I realized one day that no one came over - they were all out living life and having fun!
Now, when people visit, I find no need to explain the "condition" of my home. They are more interested in hearing about the things I've been doing while I was away living life and having fun. If you haven't figured this out yet, please heed this advice:
Life is short. Enjoy it! Dust if you must, but wouldn't it be better to paint a picture or write a letter, bake a cake or plant a seed, ponder the difference between want and need?
Dust if you must, but there's not much time - with rivers to swim and mountains to climb, music to hear and books to read, friends to cherish and life to lead.
Dust if you must, but the world's out there with the sun in your eyes, the wind in your hair, a flutter of snow, a shower of rain. This day will not come around again.
Dust if you must, but bear in mind - old age will come and it's not kind. And when you go - and go you must - you, yourself, will make more dust!
Its not what you gather, but what you scatter that tells what kind of life you lived.
(AS HEARD 3/14/03)
The Lighter Side of the Stock Market
results in these troubled financial times-
Here's a couple more we came up with. Any to add? E-mail them to us.
Playgrounds continued their slide.
Submarines plunged to a new depth.
Gravel prices were rough.
(7/24/02)
OLD GEEZER
May we all be lucky enough to know at least a few Geezers.
"Geezer" - slang for an old man
Geezers are easy to spot:
At sporting events, during the playing of the National Anthem, Old Geezers hold their caps over their hearts and sing without embarrassment. They know the words and believe in them.
Old Geezers remember World War I, the Depression, World War II, Pearl Harbor, Guadalcanal, Normandy and Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age, the Korean War, The Cold War, the Jet Age and the Moon Landing, not to mention Vietnam.
If you bump into an Old Geezer on the sidewalk, he will apologize, and if you pass an Old Geezer on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady. Old Geezers trust strangers and are courtly to women.
Old Geezers hold the door for the next person and always, when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.
Old Geezers get embarrassed if someone curses in front of women and children and they don't like violence and filth on TV or in movies.
Old Geezers have moral courage. They seldom brag unless it's about their grandchildren.
It's the Old Geezers who know the young men and women in the military serving their country protect our great country, not the politicians.
This country needs Old Geezers with their decent values. We need them now more than ever.
Thank God for Old Geezers!
(as heard on KMRY 1/7/02)
When I'm an old lady, I'll live with my son, . . . when I'm an old lady and live with my son. . . . when I'm an old lady and live with my son. . . . when I'm an old lady and live with my son. . . . when I'm an old lady and live with my son. . . . when I'm an old lady and live with my son. . . . when I'm an old lady and live with my son.
and make his life happy and filled with such fun.
I want to pay back all the joy he's provided,
returning each deed. Oh, he'll be so excited.
I'll write on the wall with red, white, and blue;
and bounce on the furniture wearing my shoes.
I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out.
I'll stuff all the toilets and oh, he will shout.
When he's on the phone and just out of reach,
I'll get into things like sugar and bleach.
Oh, he'll snap his fingers and then shake his head,
and when he is done I'll hide under the bed.
When my son's wife cooks dinner and calls me to meals,
I'll not eat my green beans or salads congealed.
I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table,
and when she gets angry, run fast as I'm able.
I'll sit close to the TV, thru the channels I'll click.
I'll cross both my eyes to see if they stick.
I'll take off my socks and throw one away,
and play in the mud until the end of the day.
And later, in bed, I'll lay back and sigh,
and thank God in prayer and then close my eyes;
and my son will look down with a smile slowly creeping,
and say with a groan, "she's so sweet when she's sleeping."
--
THE "COST" OF A CHILD
The government recently calculated the cost of raising a
child from birth to 18 and came up $160,140! That doesn't even touch college
tuition. For those with kids, that figure leads to wild fantasies about all the
money we could have banked if not for (insert your child's name here). For
others, that number might confirm the decision to remain childless. But $160,140
isn't so bad if you break it down. It translates into $8,896.66 a year, $741.38
a month, or $171.08 a week. That's a mere $24.44 a day! Just over a dollar an
hour.
Still, you might think the best financial advice says don't have children if you
want to be "rich." It is just the opposite. What do your get for your
$160,140?
Naming rights. First, middle, and last!
Glimpses of God every day.
Giggles under the covers every night.
More love than your heart can hold.
Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs.
Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm cookies.
A hand to hold, usually covered with jam.
A partner for blowing bubbles, flying kites, building sandcastles, and skipping
down the sidewalk in the pouring rain.
Someone to laugh yourself silly with no matter what the boss said or how your
stocks performed that day.
For $160,140, you never have to grow up.
You get to finger-paint, carve pumpkins, play hide-and-seek, catch lightning
bugs, and never stop believing in Santa Claus.
You have an excuse to keep: reading the Adventures of Piglet and Pooh, watching
Saturday morning cartoons, going to Disney movies, and wishing on stars.
You get to frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers under refrigerator magnets and
collect spray painted noodle wreaths for Christmas, hand prints set in clay for
Mother's Day, and cards with backward letters for Father's Day.
For $160,140, there is no greater bang for your buck.
You get to be a hero just for retrieving a Frisbee off the garage roof, taking
the training wheels off the bike, removing a splinter, filling the wading pool,
coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs, and coaching a baseball team that never wins
but always gets treated
to ice cream regardless.
You get a front row seat to history to witness the first step, first word, first
bra, first date, and first time behind the wheel.
You get to be immortal.
You get another branch added to your family tree, and if you're lucky, a long
list of limbs in your obituary called grandchildren.
You get an education in psychology, nursing, criminal justice, communications,
and human sexuality that no college can match.
In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there with God. You have all the power
to heal a boo-boo, scare away the monsters under the bed, patch a broken heart,
police a slumber party, ground them forever, and love them without limits, so
one day they will, like you, love without counting the cost.
ENJOY YOUR KIDS (and grandkids!!)
Due to visitor's requests that some older items not be deleted from this page, we have an archive of some of them. Click on the titles below to access their archive:
THE
NEW SCHOOL PRAYER
TOP 365 SONGS OF ALL TIME
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